My first vlog

my frist vlog Holly cow it is scary to be so open and honest to a camera and then to make that available to the world is ever more nerve racking.

Since i was a little girl i have struggled with bad depression, however it was only when i was 17 that i actually got help for it. I was always told to just be happy and suck it up so i never knew i needed help till it got to the point where i was taking pain killers as often as possible to just make it through an hour. In grade 12 i had to go for my third surgery and that was when my doctor came to the realisation that i needed serious help. He put me on medicine and from there on i got help.

I came off the medication a year later and within a few months i could feel the unhappiness come back and the deep sadness. I did not want to tell anyone because they didn't understand first of all and they made it such a big thing that i came off my meds. Last year before my birthday i took a bunch of pills and a bunch of alcohol and landed myself in the er. I was lucky that nothing bad happened but it was a wake up call that i needed help.

I am back on medication but the last few months have been so hard. I feel so unhappy and alone. I struggle to know what i want, what puts a smile on my face and spend every day waiting to go back to bed. I don't know what to do anymore and i don't know who to go to but i won't let depression win.